August 2012
1 post
I don’t know anymore.
I feel numb. My heart has been through hell but i still love him. I went over this in my head, i knew the kind of pain i would suffer if i went through with it and i prepared myself for taking him out of my life. but i cant, i cant forget him or yank him out of my life. it feels unnatural to even be away from him.
I terminated our pregnancy. or should i say my...
July 2012
4 posts
This is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
Ok I’m being dramatic.
But this shit still sucks.
To love and not have love returned.
To feel a feeling so strong and have nowhere for it to go,
So it stays trapped inside, spoiling everything.
I feel emotionally exhausted.
I love him. Fuck. I didn’t want this to happen.
What is love anyway?
Is it supposed to feel...
i love him.
i told him.
yet, i don’t feel any better.
i feel rejected and alone.
i’ve been distancing myself from my friends because i know i’ll be tempted to tell them about my current situation and i don’t want any judgement on my choice. and he’s my only other friend and i miss him and crave to be around him so much so i’m distancing from him as well....
It’s been exactly three months since our first kiss.
It’s been 5 months of talking almost every day with you.
And somewhere in between all of that I caught feelings.
I’m pregnant.
Anyway, I don’t even know if I should tell you this. I probably shouldn’t keep talking to you. It’s going to hurt because before anything, you are my friend. One of my closest...
my heart aches when he’s around.
my heart hurts when he’s not around.
i don’t know what love is.
i’ve never felt it,
what i feel now is pain.
his friendship is like barbed wire around my heart
every time i see him, my heart grows bigger
and the wire hugs tighter
hurting me.
crushing me.
piercing holes into my chest.
i cant tell him how i feel
i cant tell him...
June 2012
14 posts
i saw him today.
went to give him a birthday card and his gift (a lesson for archery)
he’s amazing, my heart was racing the whole time. god. i like him so much. i havent seen him since last month, i missed him more than he knows.
today was awesome. :)
going to sleep content even if i only saw him for 10 minutes. :)
my jokes are truths
i say “oh yes b take me lol”
i really mean “take me.”
i say “you know i love you :p”
i mean “you know… i love you.”
i say “it’s not rape if i let you ;)”
i mean “rape me”
i say “awww lol :)”
i mean “you give me butterflies”
breaking night to talk to him.
tired as fuck but i dont want to sleep.
i love texting him.
i love talking to him.
i love laughing ewith him.
he’s so funny.
he’s so worth losing sleep for.
happy birthday b.
i heart you.
i think i love him
this just hurts too much, i dont even feel like going into detail.
it’s hard to think about…
brian: Oh okay.i couldn’t respond before I saw the message but had to rush out, went out with my dad. But yeah, dude I knew you felt something like that towards me. It’s why I agreed to stop doing what we were doing. I’m flattered to know this, and that you finally got it off your chest. If you don’t want me to be sad then don’t worry I won’t be :) I’m...
i told him..
about 12 hours ago.. u kinda dumped it on him right before he fell asleep. it’s the next day and i havent heard from him.
if i never hear from him again, at least i know where my place is. and if thats the case, then i wouldnt even be upset, because if he can be that shitty as a friend then i was a fool to fall for him in the first place.
i really hope he hasnt had time to respond to me....
the beginning lyrics hit me so hard.
I remember...
my heart breaks every time i swallow the fact that we’re just friends
i almost told him. but then i didn't.
I like you, probably more than you can imagine. You’re always on my mind. morning, night, sober, drunk. i cant even think sometimes. writing this is making my heart beat so fast. And i thought “fine whatever it’s just a crush” but really? 4 months and these feelings keep getting stronger. for the past 2 months, it’s become a struggle for me to deal with this. i...
I found his new tumblr url by mistake btw. I guess I was following one of his followers and i clicked on a picture on her page that she reblogged from him and there it was, his face on my computer screen. i almost freaked out lol so i unfollowed all of my followers except 2 in case the same thing happened to him. i would never want him to come across this until i’m ready to tell him....
really, i try to convince myself that it’s infatuation, maybe something else that would make me think that these feelings are valid. but i can’t. i try to think maybe it’s just the sex. maybe i just like him physically, but it’s not that either.
I want to spend a day with him in public, not holding hands, not kissing or touching or flirting. Just a day with him, hanging...
icantstopthinkingaboutyouwhatthefuckits4:56amandimstillthinkingandthinkingandthinkingandthinkingahhhfuck
is it love?
it’s hard for me to accept that it is not.
yes it’s troubling to believe that it is.
he has a hold of me. and not just in a sexual way. I ache for him. my body craves him. my mind wants him. and my heart is already his. I could talk to him for hours. And when I’m not, that’s all i want to do. I want to spend countless hours hearing him say stupid shit. I think of him even...
May 2012
202 posts
I am wanting to write less and less on this blog.
Not for lack of feelings for B - I wish.
But because idk, I guess I’m coming to terms with this. Whatever this is.
He’s my friend who I love, yes I love him. I love that he’s there for me when I need him. I love that he never sugar coats anything, I love that he can always make me smile, I love that he is such a passionate...
God, I hope he was kidding because I'm having a...
B: Haha you love me.
Me: You wish.
B: You wish you didn't.
Me: Oh the things that only exist in your mind lol
B: Oh the denial that only exist in yours lol
I’m not in love with you. Nor do I ever want to be.
11:11
I wish for his happiness eveyr single time. Ever since that week that he didn’t speak to me because he was too sad dealing with his breakup. I don’t mind if I’m the reason he’s happy or not. I just want him to wake up not feeling incomplete. I think he deserves it.
stay out of my dreams
I dreamt that B was in the hospital idk y and i went to visit him every day. We would cuddle in front of his family, like I was his girlfriend. On the last day of him being in the hospital, he was supposed to be leaving for a trip. I went to vidit him just as he was packing his stuff to go. I helped him with his stuff, and he was gone. I waited for his phone call before his plane departed and...
