my name is janice

I don’t know anymore. I feel numb. My heart has been through hell but i still love him. I went...

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 10:00:57 -0400

I don’t know anymore.

I feel numb. My heart has been through hell but i still love him. I went over this in my head, i knew the kind of pain i would suffer if i went through with it and i prepared myself for taking him out of my life. but i cant, i cant forget him or yank him out of my life. it feels unnatural to even be away from him.

I terminated our pregnancy. or should i say my pregnancy. he doesn’t understand that the baby’s life was real to me the moment i knew i was pregnant. he’ll never understand that, and its ok.

B went with me to the appointment, and he waited in the outside waiting room, and i was fine. i felt safe and he kept me calm even though he didnt know… but in the waiting room inside, with other girls going through something similar, was too much for me. there were about 7 of us, all naked except a thin robe covering us. the doctors will call next, from outside we could here a low vacuum sound then 10 minutes later they would call next again. the girls were joking about their situation and then i couldnt take it, i began to cry. They all assumed it was my first time, and i didnt correct them. some of them who were there before assured me that “it’ll be ok” and the others who were new to this just looked at me with pity. i called B several times from inside hoping for him to say “no! dont do it” but he never even gave a hint of regret. i asked him if he was ok and he said “yeah”. i replied “ok ttyl” and even though i heard him ask “how about you?” i pretended that i didnt hear, and hung up. I couldnt let anyone know how much i wanted this baby. how much i already loved it because the father was the only man that ive ever been in love with.

but enough of that. im done feeling sorry for myself. he’s living his life. he’s happy, or at least he seems like it. i cant move on, i wont even try anymore. it is what it is and it has taken over my heart. im not fighting it anymore. i love you brian. im still going to look for you, im always going to care about what youre up to, and i’ll miss you like crazy whenever it’s been too long away from you but i need to remember that youre not everything. i love myself too. and i need to start living. i need to make myself better for me. if you happen to cross my path then i would be the happiest woman alive. but for now i’ll let fate decide.

This is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Ok I’m being dramatic. But...

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 12:04:40 -0400

This is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
Ok I’m being dramatic.
But this shit still sucks.
To love and not have love returned.
To feel a feeling so strong and have nowhere for it to go,
So it stays trapped inside, spoiling everything.
I feel emotionally exhausted.
I love him. Fuck. I didn’t want this to happen.

What is love anyway?
Is it supposed to feel this intense?
I feel this knot in my stomach whenever he’s not around, and it fades away whenever he’s around. He lifts me. My mood changes whenever I hear his voice or see his face or hear his name. I feel like I was born to make him happy. As gay as that sounds. And I know, I mean he has, made me the happiest I’ve ever been in a long time. I look at him and I only see him. He is enough for me. I don’t feel like I would have to settle for him… If anything I know he would feel like he is just settling if he were with me. I know he wouldn’t be sure, and I don’t want that for him. I just want him to be happy and beyond satisfied with his life. I cannot give that to him. The only thing I can give him is freedom to not be tied down to me, and be able to live his life so that he may be able to find happiness.

I love him.
But his love is hurting me.
Getting rid of this part of him is going to destroy me.
I think about it every day, I feel it every day.
The day is getting closer to when I have to do it.
He has literally become a part of me.
A piece of him is literally inside of me.
And I’m already attached.
To both of them.

i love him. i told him. yet, i don’t feel any better. i feel rejected and alone. i’ve...

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 14:31:58 -0400

i love him.

i told him.

yet, i don’t feel any better.

i feel rejected and alone.

i’ve been distancing myself from my friends because i know i’ll be tempted to tell them about my current situation and i don’t want any judgement on my choice. and he’s my only other friend and i miss him and crave to be around him so much so i’m distancing from him as well. not that he cares. also, i want nothing more but for him to be happy, and i know my feelings for him make him uncomfortable. i don’t want to bother him.

i feel lost.

i need to find myself.

i thought i finally found myself in the love that i feel for him. i’ve never felt anything more pure and strong. but it was not enough.

it’s weird. it’s like all of my life, my heart was missing pieces and i did not know where to find them. now that i’ve found all of the pieces, i cannot have them. they belong to him.

It’s been exactly three months since our first kiss. It’s been 5 months of talking...

Sun, 08 Jul 2012 11:37:24 -0400

It’s been exactly three months since our first kiss.

It’s been 5 months of talking almost every day with you.

And somewhere in between all of that I caught feelings.

I’m pregnant. Anyway, I don’t even know if I should tell you this. I probably shouldn’t keep talking to you. It’s going to hurt because before anything, you are my friend. One of my closest friends at that. I tell you everything. But my feelings are only getting stronger and then this happened and it’s all too much. Especially if you’re never going to have feelings for me. What if you decide to get a girlfriend one day. What if you fall for someone the same way I fell for you and I have to be there witnessing the whole thing. Do I love you enough to handle that? Everything hurts right now, physically and emotionally. And I’m alone. Physically and emotionally lol. Fuck. I would give anything to be in your arms right now.

I don’t even know if I should tell anyone about this. You’re usually my go to person when I need to vent. Would it be so horrible if I showed you this post? I’ve been writing on here about you for some months now. I’ve used it to vent. And sometimes I feel like a creep because this whole blog is about you. But it’s the only way I could be your friend without wanting to tell you how hard I fell. If I show you this, and we never speak at least I know.

Some people are meant to come into your life to make a difference but not necessarily to stay.

my heart aches when he’s around. my heart hurts when he’s not around. i don’t know...

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 00:32:09 -0400

my heart aches when he’s around.

my heart hurts when he’s not around.

i don’t know what love is.

i’ve never felt it,

what i feel now is pain.

his friendship is like barbed wire around my heart

every time i see him, my heart grows bigger

and the wire hugs tighter

hurting me.

crushing me.

piercing holes into my chest.

i cant tell him how i feel

i cant tell him that every time i look at him my whole world makes sense

i cant tell him that a kiss is nothing compared to his embrace.

i cant tell him that he makes me feel like the most cliche line in a poem.

i cant tell him what i know.

i dont know what love is

but i feel like i know when he’s around.

i feel like not knowing was such an easier time.

i saw him today. went to give him a birthday card and his gift (a lesson for archery) he’s...

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 23:15:17 -0400

i saw him today.

went to give him a birthday card and his gift (a lesson for archery)

he’s amazing, my heart was racing the whole time. god. i like him so much. i havent seen him since last month, i missed him more than he knows.

today was awesome. :)

going to sleep content even if i only saw him for 10 minutes. :)

my jokes are truths

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 07:46:20 -0400

i say “oh yes b take me lol”

i really mean “take me.”

i say “you know i love you :p”

i mean “you know… i love you.”

i say “it’s not rape if i let you ;)”

i mean “rape me”

i say “awww lol :)”

i mean “you give me butterflies”

breaking night to talk to him. tired as fuck but i dont want to sleep. i love texting him. i love...

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 07:02:20 -0400

breaking night to talk to him.

tired as fuck but i dont want to sleep.

i love texting him.

i love talking to him.

i love laughing ewith him.

he’s so funny.

he’s so worth losing sleep for.

happy birthday b.

i heart you.

i think i love him

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 02:29:33 -0400

this just hurts too much, i dont even feel like going into detail.

it’s hard to think about…

brian: Oh okay.i couldn’t respond before I saw the message but had to rush out, went out with...

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 00:43:13 -0400

brian: Oh okay.i couldn’t respond before I saw the message but had to rush out, went out with my dad. But yeah, dude I knew you felt something like that towards me. It’s why I agreed to stop doing what we were doing. I’m flattered to know this, and that you finally got it off your chest. If you don’t want me to be sad then don’t worry I won’t be :) I’m glad to have you as a friend I really am, and you and I both know better than to ruin what we have. :P I can’t believe it took you so long to open up lol. Ah I can’t stay on long x.x hope you’re on

me:i was hoping i would never have to tell you, but don’t worry it’s just a crush right? lol it’ll go away soon enough. anyway, i’ll ttyl punk

brian: I’m still here :P. And idk. I can’t answer that question, you need to know the difference. (:

It caught me off guard, but I teared up as I read the first message. i feel empty, and sad, and i cant help but love/like/crush on him, whatever the hell this is. i cant help but feel it more. like it grows every day, even when my heart feels like it’s wrapped around in barbed wire, he makes it grow bigger with emotions, making it hurt more.

i told him..

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 19:02:29 -0400

about 12 hours ago.. u kinda dumped it on him right before he fell asleep. it’s the next day and i havent heard from him.

if i never hear from him again, at least i know where my place is. and if thats the case, then i wouldnt even be upset, because if he can be that shitty as a friend then i was a fool to fall for him in the first place.

i really hope he hasnt had time to respond to me. :/

i dont know what he’s going to say, or what i want him to say, but i hope he finds the time soon.

And I wish we never did itAnd I wish we never loved itAnd I wish...

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 16:23:37 -0400

And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you

the beginning lyrics hit me so hard. I remember years agoSomeone...

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 13:13:00 -0400

the beginning lyrics hit me so hard.

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

my heart breaks every time i swallow the fact that we’re just friends

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 04:20:27 -0400

my heart breaks every time i swallow the fact that we’re just friends

i almost told him. but then i didn't.

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 02:25:21 -0400

I like you, probably more than you can imagine. You’re always on my mind. morning, night, sober, drunk. i cant even think sometimes. writing this is making my heart beat so fast. And i thought “fine whatever it’s just a crush” but really? 4 months and these feelings keep getting stronger. for the past 2 months, it’s become a struggle for me to deal with this. i thought after we had sex there wouldnt be much tension but i shouldve known better, being that intimate with you made it harder for me to stop. i’m not in love with you, i dont want a relationship with you, i just have all of these emotions for you and it’s hard to keep them bottled up when they just keep growing. I care about you more than i’ve ever cared about any other guy in such a long time. i want nothing more than to see you happy, even if i’m not the cause of it.

I’ll just leave this here. This is my last post. I’ll give him the url when I’m ready.

I found his new tumblr url by mistake btw. I guess I was following one of his followers and i...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 18:08:11 -0400

I found his new tumblr url by mistake btw. I guess I was following one of his followers and i clicked on a picture on her page that she reblogged from him and there it was, his face on my computer screen. i almost freaked out lol so i unfollowed all of my followers except 2 in case the same thing happened to him. i would never want him to come across this until i’m ready to tell him. i’m thinking of sending him an anon, idk. he wouldnt even know its me, he has a lot of anon messages all over his page anyway.

really, i try to convince myself that it’s infatuation, maybe something else that would make...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 18:02:56 -0400

really, i try to convince myself that it’s infatuation, maybe something else that would make me think that these feelings are valid. but i can’t. i try to think maybe it’s just the sex. maybe i just like him physically, but it’s not that either.

I want to spend a day with him in public, not holding hands, not kissing or touching or flirting. Just a day with him, hanging out as friends, because I think that if i can do that without aching to tell him how much he drives me crazy, then i can just deal with these feelings.

anyway that’s not going to happen… i don’t even want to write anymore. i’m tired of this. these feelings are messing with my head… my heart breaks every day and he doesn’t even know. I’ll tell him in by the end of June, if nothing changes. I have a month to get my shit together and try to move on from a love that never was.

icantstopthinkingaboutyouwhatthefuckits4:56amandimstillthinkingandthinkingandthinkingandthinkingahhhf...

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 04:57:33 -0400

icantstopthinkingaboutyouwhatthefuckits4:56amandimstillthinkingandthinkingandthinkingandthinkingahhhfuck

is it love?

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 02:31:19 -0400

it’s hard for me to accept that it is not.

yes it’s troubling to believe that it is.

he has a hold of me. and not just in a sexual way. I ache for him. my body craves him. my mind wants him. and my heart is already his. I could talk to him for hours. And when I’m not, that’s all i want to do. I want to spend countless hours hearing him say stupid shit. I think of him even in company of others. I don’t know what to do.

Time is my best friend. Time is the only thing that can help me now.

My heart has failed me. After I begged and pleaded for it not to catch feelings. Fuck.

I am wanting to write less and less on this blog. Not for lack of feelings for B - I wish. But...

Wed, 30 May 2012 00:22:00 -0400

I am wanting to write less and less on this blog.

Not for lack of feelings for B - I wish.

But because idk, I guess I’m coming to terms with this. Whatever this is.

He’s my friend who I love, yes I love him. I love that he’s there for me when I need him. I love that he never sugar coats anything, I love that he can always make me smile, I love that he is such a passionate person, even though he’s genuinley lazy >.< I love that his hair is always messy, I love that he always wears a tight shirt when I go visit him :P lol I love him, his persona, his attitude, his point of views, his laughter, his seriousness, his sarcasm, his everything.

But no, I am not in love with him.

I’ve never been in love, so I can’t compare it, but this is not love. I refuse to believe that love is a one way street. My words are all jumbled up and I’m not making sense.

Point is that I can live with my feelings for him. I’m done dwelling on what should or could be.

I guess I’m getting used to this feeling. As couples get used to each other, I’m getting used to him, or lack of him, or better said, lack of who I want him to be. Having these feelings have become a part of me, and a part of who I am when I’m with him. The feelings are not strange, nor do I want them to go away. They’re just there.

I don’t know how else to explain it. He’s my friend, I’m his friend, I like him, the end. Nothing is going to happen between us, but I’ll always be there for him.

Um… yolo?